I am now running precisely a week behind – which is not bad considering.

Last Thursday I went to the very pretty town of Stamford in Lincolnshire. Honeyed stone and winter sunshine – very pretty. The reason for the visit was to get together with Nigel Colborn to thrash out the meat behind our nascent stage show called Green with Envy.

Think of us as the horticultural Ant and Dec.

The plan is to perform a hybrid lecture/advice session/anecdotal moment show at theatres around the country. There will be stunning photographs, jokes of dubious taste, much rushing around, sound gardening advice and general disobedience.

The audience will be reluctant to go home at the end of the evening.

At least that is the plan…

We already have bookings and the whole thing begins on the 1st March at the Arts Centre in Stamford – hence the need for rehearsal.

It will be fun for both audience and performers – hurry now and book your tickets early to avoid dreadful disappointment.

The dates so far are:

March 1st: Arts Centre, Stamford – www.stamfordartscentre.com

March 20th: Garrick Theatre, Lichfield – www.lichfieldgarrick.com

April 18th: Bacon Theatre, Cheltenham – www.bacontheatre.co.uk

May 2nd: Forum 28, Barrow in Furness – www.barrowbc.gov.uk/Default.aspx?page=120

May 3rd: Lowther Pavilion, Lytham St Anne’s – www.fylde.gov.uk/Category.aspx?cat=1452

June 27th: Ludlow Festival

I am listening to the very smug Nigel Havers reading his autobiography on Radio 4. The picture is of the River Welland looking picturesque in Stamford.

I promised you new and possibly momentous news and I do not wish to disappoint the two blokes and a dog who hang around here waiting for something to happen.

It is very exciting. Although I have been fearfully disorganised/busy and should have published this on launch day a week or so ago. I feel a bit like the chef expounding about the flavour of the cake just after everybody had been distracted by the girl emerging from the top.

But I am going ahead anyway so please clap politely…

The news is a brand new, shiny and pretty innovative thing called intoGardens. It is a mixture of many things – sort of like sphinx or a manticore or the telekines, but much prettier. And with fewer bolt on animal parts.

It is a mixture of App and magazine,website and game. It is something completely new and ridiculously gorgeous – and, although I must admit I am occasionally prone to exaggeration and the odd flight of fancy I do not think that in this case I exaggerate unduly. However, I will admit to a certain pride and parental bias.

We have fabulous pictures, writing (from good people such as his excellency, Nigel Colborn and her magnificence Jean-Ann van Krevelen), gardens (one underwater, a couple in England and another in Elba), some fruits (including Mr Diacono), practical help (of both vegetable and ornamental varieties), soap operas, video content and audio book extracts. And you can buy stuff directly from within the App just by hitting a button. Whoosh.
Or Whoooooooooooooosh if you have a slow Internet speed.

It moves and talks and sighs romantically at you over lowered lashes.

This is, of course, not a solo effort as I have inveigled various gullible types to contribute and help out. Most notably Tiffany Daneff who is the editor, Ubinow (the developers) and Archie (my elder son) who is in charge of making sure all the assembled stuff is assembled in the right order. My thanks to everybody and, in particular, to the rest of my extremely tolerant family.

If you happen to have an iPad you should download it (for a mere £2.99) and if you don’t then there is a film of what you are missing here. You are missing a lot.
It will be published quarterly for the moment. We also have impeccably groomed Facebook and Twitter feeds

I am sitting on a bus travelling between Seattle and Vancouver while watching a film called Too Many Crooks which stars Terry-Thomas, Sid James, George Cole and Bernard Bresslaw. Terry Scott (as in Terry and June) has a short role as a plump policeman and Nicholas Parsons is a Tax Inspector.

(i) The backyard musical was a popular genre in the 1940s. Most of them starred Mickey Rooney and Judy Garland. Tupically a bunch of kids need to raise money for some good cause. They are let down by some impresario at which point one of them says “Hey, I got an idea. Let’s do the show right here!”

There is then much rushing around transforming the horse barn/old shed/school hall/whichever into a theatre and then they put on a show which is received with tumultuous appreciation and it all works out just fine. In Strike up the Band , for example, which culminates in a Busby Berkeley Conga.

There may be some chaste kissing as well.

At intoGardens we hope for all these things.

I know that I have, again, been horribly neglectful of this blog. Nearly two months since my last confession. Apologies to those that noticed. In the intervening time I have been doing various things that have now lost their immediacy and probably do not deserve your full attention. I have also, because it is August been pondering stuff – not in a terribly deep and world changing way, just because I have to fill my brain with something while staring out of windows or waiting at traffic lights.

Here is a short list in no particular order-

The most important is that there is a new episode on intoGardens out for your amusement and delectation. You have never heard of intoGardens? my you are so out of the loop. Go, now and get an iPad and download it immediately.  You will find wildflowers, bees, food, weeds, ponds as well as Monty Don reading from his book and sundry other things to make you oscillate with pleasure. There are also new magic parcels on the iPhone App. What? surely you have not missed that as well? My goodness you are about as hip as the Venerable Bede. It is now also available for Android phones as well. For all the details go here, now.

Why do I often end up sitting next to very large men on trains who take up more than their allocated space? They somehow overflow the seat with wavelets of excess which make me feel squeezed and small. Is it acceptable to get up and sit in another seat or is that a terrible faux-pas likely to unleash deep anxiety ?

Matching ties and hankies (or ‘Pocket Squares’ as I believe they are called in the trade). I think this is probably okay if the tie pattern is relatively understated. Polka dots perhaps. It is not acceptable if the tie is a kaleidoscope of mauve and green. Many years ago I had a blue and white Paisley pattern shirt with matching tie (for formal occasions) and cravat (for casual engagements). The cravat was fastened with a gold ring. I think my mother bought the combination in Guildford. I looked like a miniature member of Manfred Mann.

Transparent white gauzy trousers which allow people following you up the escalator to know not just the colour of your underwear but the exact seams on your gusset.

Bricks – this may seem like a dreary subject to many of you but I have long been interested in bricks. The names, for a start, are interesting Stafford Blue, Common Flettons, London Mixed Stocks, London Yellow Stocks, Waterstruck bricks, wirecut extruded, cherries etc. Some people take this much farther than a random thought and there are places on the internet populated by people obsessed with bricks. Interestingly somebody once told me that there are two products in particular that are uneconomic to transport very long distances. One was bricks – as they are so heavy that you cannot get enough on a lorry – and the other was lavatory paper because it is so bulky.

I wonder who discovered cheese. Obviously it was due to some sort of accident when the milk was left unattended. Like Alfred and the cakes.

Phonecards – I was casually gazing at a telephone box the other day while waiting for a tractor to cross the junction and remembered the Phonecard. A green plastic card that supplanted the search for 10p bits that preceded making a telephone call. You could buy them in newsagents for a pound and I believe that they became valuable currency in prisons (up there with tobacco, stained copies of Razzle and Ketamine). They probably don’t exist any more.

The summer has been rather lovely: warm and peaceful. My parents-in-law have a venerable swimming pool that was installed during the long hot summer of 1976 (a summer I spent not revising for my A Levels as it was too nice and I preferred to lie under trees snogging and being pretentious). We are fortunate that we live very close so I have swum almost every day this summer. I am not a very good swimmer and get exhausted quite quickly – I would be rubbish at rescuing struggling damsels and floundering pets – but made the effort and it has to be the most boring form of exercise ever invented. There is nothing to look at and nothing to divert the mind. Dull, dull, dull. At least if you are bicycling or running you can watch the world go by or listen to the radio. I do about five lengths before I give up. I also try and swim naked as often as is decent, no idea why but it adds a frisson.
Maybe I am a closet naturist: I will have to discuss it with my friend Cleve West who often goes on naturist awayaday weekends.

“Miss Stevens , I must say you’re a girl in a million”
“That’s a routine compliment but I’ll accept it.”
Cary Grant to Grace Kelly in To Catch a Thief. And her reply. I worry sometimes that I spend too much of my life thinking about Grace Kelly.

The RHS more or less closes down during August and there are no committee meetings or anything. Oddly, I have rather missed it and was pleased to be going to Vincent Square to select the show gardens for next year’s Chelsea.

I have a new Olloclip. This is a fiendishly clever little lens that goes on an iPhone and means that you can take macro pictures of whatsoever you might wish. Like the rather vulgar picture above of a pouting dahlia and the other one a bit further up of an Eschscholzia californica (which, incidentally, has to about the most difficult plant name on the planet to spell).

I have had some quite good lunches.

So the Duchess of Cambridge has given birth, how marvellous for all concerned. My only worry is the naming of said baby: personally I have been advocating Prawn as the perfect choice because, and I am sure this does not really require explanation but people have been giving me slightly blank looks when I hazard this opinion, he will then become King Prawn. Alternatives include Crimson. Kong, Burger and Speech.

So that is probably enough random drivellings for one day. I am listening to Gillian Welch singing By The Mark. The picture is a bee sitting on a Succisella.

Been away for a week or so alternately basking and dripping on the very, very lovely Isle of Colonsay. My hearty recommendation to anybody looking for somewhere to go – great hotel (www.thecolonsay.com). I have a slightly ulterior motive as I am also helping with the garden at Colonsay House (www.colonsay.org.uk) which is open during the summer. Lots of highlights especially driving my newish Landrover at speed through the largest puddle in Scotland having neglected to close the windows. Lots of squealing children. It was also my birthday while we were there – I am much older than I used to be.

Bit hectic since I got back – lots of rushing around including a presentation to some charming people from Marks and Spencer at Barnsley House. As I am sure you know this was Rosemary Verey’s garden but is now a spiffy hotel. I went to the garden about ten years ago and have not been since. Last time I found it a bit disappointing as all the iconic parts (laburnum walk and potager) seemed very small. They still are and the asymmetry of some of the views is slightly annoying.

Went to look at my borders at Cottesbrooke Hall on Tuesday which are just beginning to grow into themselves. Still a bit of necessary tweaking but getting there. Over the past couple of years we have pulled them apart completely, dug them over and replanted. No matter how good, gardens need a good kicking occasionally to stop them becoming complacent. The biggest change was removing the venerable old Yuccas that marked the paths. Exciting things are happening at Cottesbrooke: at the moment Arne Maynard, Angel Collins and I are all doing stuff there.

It is a very pretty house as well (www.cottesbrookehall.co.uk)

I am listening to The Magic Numbers and the picture is of Colonsay.

I know this is a very dull thing to say but I am jolly well going to say it anyway…

My goodness, how time flies past.

Another year, another Garden Media Guild shindig under our belts. This year, as you may already be aware, Three Men were officiating. We made a short film and then tarted about for a bit which is always a jolly a way of spending an afternoon. As you are also doubtless well aware, Mark Diacono won three consecutive awards which was very gratifying. If you like that vegetably sort of thing.

I managed to stick a piece of paper on his back saying “Kick Me” and noticed Lia Leendertz sharpening the toe of her Jimmy Choos as I left.

There was then the usual drunken shenanigans in the pub where the usual suspects fell over to general hilarity. If you are interested you can watch the whole ceremony (apart from the falling over bits) here. As always it was a very jolly occasion with a lot of moustaches in evidence. Movember is now over and we have raised a shade over £20,000. I am terribly proud of everybody: we exceeded my wildest expectations. At the beginning I just thought it would be quite fun and we could raise a few hundred quid, thank you to all who participated and especially to those who coughed up the cash. I made a short film to commemorate the occasion, the music is by Nick Riddle who snuck into our team with fraudulent bonafides: he is not a gardener but we forgive him because of the excellent whistling and faraway look.

Apart from all this glamorous swanning about at awards ceremonies and growing whiskers there has been work going on: well, if you count wandering around looking at rocks work. These are very big rocks and there are lots of them: the reason is that we are rebuilding a quarry.Let me explain, in one of my gardens is a big scrape in the ground – about 35 feet deep at its steepest – which used to be a quarry. The idea is to make it look sort of quarryish again by reinstalling big lumps of stone which will then be interesting to climb on and could be planted with ferns, trees and general stuff.

So Tuesday found me wandering around a vast site in Oxfordshire choosing monster rocks. I do love this sort of thing, I come over all Tonka truckish at the sight of large diggers and deep mud. Which is quite odd as I have never been very interested in cars, I had Dinky Cars but was never much of a Brrrm, Brrrm kind of child. I am left unmoved by Ferraris and Formula One but get very excited by a large digger and a deep trench. Anyway, we chose a selection of rocks which are now being slowly transported across to Gloucestershire, doubtless much to the annoyance of the traffic on the A44: my apologies if you find yourselves stuck behind a straining tractor.

I have also been to the RHS Garden at Hyde Hall. I had never been before and, now I am responsible in some small way for its upkeep, thought I had better show my face. It is the newest RHS Garden and is very much under development (there is a handsome newly dug lake), lots of trees are being planted, borders hewn from fields, the Dry Garden is being extended and new car parks built. I may not have chosen the best day for a visit as it was markedly chilly. The wind howled across battering the collection of christmas trees decorated by local branches of the WI which stand amongst the borders: I suspect that tinsel will be being picked from trees across Essex for months to come. Still, it was interesting and bracing and we got turkey for lunch. Oh, and the best bit was the live willow weaving. They have groups of pollarded willow in the borders that have been bunched together and tied into various shapes: very effective and sculptural.

Before you go, here is another film: this was made by a very clever fellow called Sebastian Solberg about Jeremy and Camilla Swift’s extraordinary garden in Wales. I arrived there after going to a memorial service (hence spiffy tie) and was immediately sat down and required to spout stuff. It is an extraordinary garden varying from pretty orchards to ruined hovels via high Classicism, steep woodlands, theatres, turtles and the Kingdom of the Moor. It is open for the NGS at some point: but for goodness sake, take a raincoat, it is Welsh Wales, after all.

http://vimeo.com/32222906

I am listening to Wild america by Iggy Pop. The picture is of the aforementioned willows at Hyde Hall.

Seems ages since I last wrote this – my apologies to the many people who have, no doubt, been pining for a new episode. Had a wonderful three days in Paris: weather perfect, food great etc etc etc. We stayed at an amazing hotel

which is run by friends of mine: it is called L’Hotel near St Germain. Extraordinary building based around six storeys of tubular hall, extremely comfortable, perfect service, delicious food, Oscar Wilde drew his final breath – go there. www.l-hotel.com

Since getting back life has been a little irritating as my wireless network has been behaving very badly which is deeply annoying. I seem to have an engineer living here permanently – I am particularly peeved with Apple whose stuff I adore but who seem to have a problem with their shiny new iMacs and wireless thingies. (This is getting a bit nerdy, isn’t it ? I will shut up on that subject.)

Went to see a potential new client in East Sussex/Kent on Wednesday. Glorious sunshine and finally a bit of a bite to the temperature- the leaves are beginning to turn and our morning walks through loose frost are beautiful.

This is a picture of Thurrock services where I stopped for a tepid expresso and a leaden croissant.

Autumn is with us – which is more than can be said for my bulb order which is in transit somewhere. I am having bad luck with lorries as another delivery (containing lights for a garden) succeeded in demolishing the client’s front gate – which is particularly galling as it has been recently (and painstakingly) rebuilt.

Still everything still looks beautiful out there – my Nerines are particularly striking (especially the buds) and my Geranium psilostemon (which we cut back hard about six weeks ago is flowering like a teenager).

Today I intend to decimate the Verbena bonariensis which, though divine most of the time, has now become a little tedious as the first flush of passion passes. Beneath a large group of Verbena lies a block of box hedging that I planted in the spring and have not seen since July – I feel it might appreciate a little fresh air.

I am listening to En Fuego by the Latin Project and the picture is of the aforementioned Nerines.

I have visited the Chelsea Flower Show during buildup and found it marvellous. So marvellous that we made this film to amuse whomsoever needs amusing.

I am now off again to visit the show again. While I am there I will be flouncing around in front of a camera for the BBC Red Button. This is the television coverage for connoisseur. There will be a series of films: some with me, some with the formidable Christine Walkden and some with Toby Buckland. This is available all the time for people with satellite and cable televisions or after about 7pm every evening if you are on Freeview. Apparently the French Open tennis takes priority which is a bit rich if you ask me. All you need to do is press the Red button on your remote control.

I will be wandering around the Great Pavilion expostulating on plants and nurserymen and will be on an endless loop on Tuesday and Thursday. I think, details are here.

Other things have happened but I have not got the time to tell you so that may have to wait until my next blog. By which time I will have realised that they were not that exciting anyway and they will have been overtaken by other stuff. Such is life…

I am listening to Pushing the Envelope open by DJ Z-Trip and DJ P (i)

The picture is of an Allium Christophii.

(i) I could be the only potential RHS Council member who has this song on their iPod. That may, or may not, be a plus point in the forthcoming election.

I have been in Cornwall for a week. A week of doing very little in the company of all my children and I have to say that it was in every way delightful. We had multiple simultaneous Scrabble tournaments going on (99% of them won by my younger son Max who has an uncanny ability to do ridiculously high scoring things with just a couple of O’s and an X) and long games of Star Wars monopoly which we found on a shelf (i). There was also heartiness in the form of long walks along Frenchman’s Creek and the coast path, fish and chips on the dock at Coverack, crab sandwiches and ice cream at Roskillys.

We rented a very snappy house next to an art gallery where I did the garden. If you have the inclination to go to Cornwall then I cannot recommend it highly enough. Details here.

End of Kernow Kommercial break. What else can I bore you with? Moustaches are occupying my mind at the moment. As regular readers will have gathered I (and many others) am growing a moustache for November. I am doing this in company of about sixty other gardeners (many of whom are female which is going to be interesting)in order to raise funds for research into prostate cancer. It is very distracting growing facial hair: one finds oneself stroking it in wonder for much of the time. It is a surprise every time you touch your chin to find in no longer smooth and pliant but spiky and rough (but at the same time silky). Part horrible, part fascinating. Very disconcerting. At the moment I am growing a full set of everything with the idea that it will be whittled down at some point over the next couple of weeks. We are raising some decent money though, over £4,000 so far. If you want to give money go here, or, if you just want to gawp at silly pictures go here.

I have also been to London to film this:

We realised that our public was baying for a new Three Men film so convened on Cleve’s allotment to enjoy the drizzle. There is another short film to come very soon.

And now, Ladies and Gentleman, hold onto your hats and grasp the bannisters firmly because……am going to write a bit about gardening. This week we started planting a walled garden we have made. I have mentioned this before but to recap: once upon a time this area of the garden was bordered by one hundred and fifty two very tall leylandii and contained a tumbledown shed, some old sycamores and a collection of very unattractive dog kennels. We have cleared it, surrounded it with drystone walls, put in a very handsome greenhouse and built two sets of steps (one incorporating a tinkly rill). The beds are marked out in spirals-which I think is more interesting that conventionally dull squares and will consist of about fifty percent fruit and vegetables and fifty percent flarze and ornamentals.

The flowery bits I have no problem with, for the fruit I threw myself upon the mercies of my bearded friend Mark Diacono. He is a bit of a novice in these matters but I thought it would be charitable to give the chap a chance. He is, after all, just a rough Devonian more used to ploughing barefoot and drinking cider in hedgerows. This is his list…. (all available, I believe, from Otter Farm)

Peach Fans   Nectarine Fans   Apricot Fans   Morello Cherry Fans Quince Fans

Whitecurrant Fans   Milwall Fans   Redcurrant Fans   Blackberry Fans   Plum Fans

Figs   Apple Espaliers   Double Us   Grape Vines   Stepovers   Asparagus

Pear Cordons   Plum Cordons   Blackcurrant Standards   Gooseberry Standards

Strawberries    Summer Raspberries   Autumn Raspberries    Alpine Strawberries   Blueberries

Yacon   Oca   Rhubarb   Globe Artichokes   Asparagus (ii)

And this is him wandering around spreading the love, I had to keep a stern eye on him as he occasionally went off piste and starting spreading rhubarb where there should be roses and eyeing up beds I had earmarked for tulips as a good place to mass sow kohlrabi or coriander. In order to keep listomaniacs happy this is my tulip list (for cutting).

Tulip Spring Green   T.Philip de Comines   T.Ballerina
T.Burgundy   T. Jacqueline   T.Violet queen
T.Gavota   T.Cassini

I anybody asks nicely I will furnish other lists as they manifest themselves.
This is a really very wonderful project, one of the most entertaining I have ever done. I will, if I may, return to the subject as the seasons progress. I will, in particular, draw attention to any of Diacono’s trees that have keeled over as, judging on past performance at Otter Farm, killing plants is what he does best.

The picture is of a bit of handsome Cornish chain. I am listening to Traffic Boom by Piero Piccioni from the Big Lebowski Soundtrack

(i) Star Wars Monopoly is not a good idea not only because it is a slight abomination in itself but also because it is very difficult to tell which property is which. Of course I now cannot remember what any of them were so have no evidence to back up my claim. Just take it from me: it ain’t right. Like flavoured fudge (qv passim)

(ii) Just to keep you on your toes….

Attentive readers of these pages – and there cannot be that many of them judging by the pitifully few comments. Please feel free to comment whenever the mood takes you – perhaps I should say more controversial things in order to stir people to action.

The Speaker of the House of Commons tastes of whortleberries. Prince Edward has the tail of a mole. Henley-on-Thames is brimming with smelting plants. Canadians eat cats. Perhaps I need something stronger in order to provoke a reaction I will think of something. I notice that my friend Jane Owen’s Blog at timesonline.typepad.com/gardening is not swamped with comments either. Maybe it is a Gardening thing.

Anyway: as I was saying, attentive readers will know that I have a couple of jobs in Hastings. Interesting place, very steep but a long way from Northamptonshire. Yesterday I spent eight and a half hours driving in order to lay out a lot of plants on something closely resembling a precipice. The latter bit was fun – especially as it allowed me the chance to buy chocolate brownies of indescribable deliciousness from Judges Bakery – the driving was ghastly. I was also semi-kidnapped by a very old lady who whisked me off the street to change the light bulb  in her kitchen. The hall was neatly paved with telephone directories which was a novel take on flooring. The calendar on the wall was from 1987.

Had a call this morning to say that many of the plants had been blown down the hill by a particularly sprightly wind last night which was a bit of a blow. However, after a flurry of telephone calls all seems to have been restored to order.

Other episodes of mild interest include writing an article for the very lovely Camilla Swift at SAGA magazine – something that all those enfants terrible seldom get asked to do.

Completing a great courtyard with big olives, chunky topiary and huge terracotta pots from Italian Terrace in Suffolk (www.italianterrace.co.uk) – looks spectacular.

Organising the planting of thousands of bulbs and a fair few trees.

I am listening to Sunshine by Mos Def and the picture is of the seafront at Hastings.